Monday, 8 September 2014

Dont cry over spilt milk

Well obviously it wasn't these things that lead us to knowing my hubby was ill.  No unfortunately things seemed to escalate quite quickly.

In October things stepped up, nothing specific, just his attitude, of course not to him, but we argued loads - not just your typical arguments, his tone became really aggressive and volatile.  But again it was portrayed as my fault, but this time I had had enough.  So I kept pushing and argued back, maybe in glorious hindsight, not such a good idea, as 4 pints of milk went flying through the air and exploded in the kitchen, on one afternoon. Believe me it went everywhere.  Don't cry over spilt milk they say, well I didn't but I did go a bit nuts!!  Yep me, not him.
Well that was it, I was ready to leave, I'd had enough, but shit Christmas was coming, the kids would be hugely affected, could I do it to them? No I couldn't.

Christmas however, was lovely.  No big issues, he seemed  quite calm, so I was calm and the kids had a great time :)

Happy New Year.  Well actually no.  The rollercoaster gained speed rapidly, we had climbed up slowly and were now hurtling back down at break neck speed.

We went to the doctor, and he suspected Bi Polar - Crap!!! But at the same point to have a reason for the behaviour was also a relief.  Unfortunately the relief turned into uncertainty for him as he started to disappear on me.  Literally go out and be gone for hours.  I would walk around town and call people to find out where he was, and most instances he was in a pub.  Not drunk, but completely unaware that he was causing any distress to me or the kids.

It got to the point where I would call the police.  I became extremely worried about him, as he had started to shake a lot, and his behaviours were becoming more erratic. 
One Friday afternoon, he done it again.  I literally became frantic, I went up to school early and got the kids, I was shaking and worried, not a pretty sight.  But the teachers were great and got the kids for me without too many questions, I obviously looked like it wasn't a good idea to ask.  Trying to hide it from the kids was difficult but I think I done an ok job. 
Anyway finally located, I locked the door and took his key off him.  Scared is a bland way of describing how I was feeling.

The plan.  Monday morning we were going to get this sorted, no matter what!

Sunday, 7 September 2014

A few bumps on the track

So this rollercoaster actually started off really slow, just a few gentle bumps, yes it made my tummy feel funny so I knew something wasn't right, but because I wasn't being horrendously sick, I thought it was just indigestion or in other words, a little blip.

These blips consisted of small things: not being on time, saying he'd do things and then not, being late, being stroppy and arguing about silly things - it all sounds like normal marriage.  But mix that with his lethargy about things for me, or work and then being completely excited about something he wants to do and absolutely running with it, and I mean running - literally.  He would sit and talk, non stop and plan and go, well weird, about an idea, which to me was ok, but not worth losing your head over. There would be notes everywhere in his scribble, that only he could read, or his head would be buried in the laptop and I would be running around like a lunatic trying to get the kids sorted or clean the house, I was a bit ocd for a while, which of course didn't help. But then his responses when I tried to talk to him, were dismissive, as if I had the problem or something was wrong with me.  I was nagging.  So of course, naturally, as I have a distinct lack of self confidence, I did think that maybe I was being stupid, so I would drop it.  It would linger in my gut and fester into a knot that I had to just deal with and forget until something else bugged me.

Which it did.

Then of course there was the ever changing of jobs.  He did have a hard time, with either being made redundant or then having a job and having to work a massive amount of hours just to make a basic wage.  And of course, me the wife, was never happy - I would either moan he was never there or wasn't bringing in enough money.  Poor bloke, no wonder he got stressed, he could never win.

I suppose looking back now, its easy to see that there was something wrong, but honestly at the time, I was a seriously annoyed wife.

Please any wives out there that actually read this, just because your hubby acts an ass, doesn't mean that he's mentally unwell - so don't panic!!!! ;) 

Saturday, 6 September 2014

Marriage and Madness! a wife's personal view on living with Mental Health.

Ok so this is my first attempt at blogging - unfamiliar territory.  But then this past year has been unfamiliar territory so you'd think I would be used to it.
I have, in the space of half a year become a single, unemployed mum of two.  I had a great job and a lovely husband and a relatively happy family life, lots of ups and downs but nothing to prepare me for this rollercoaster ride.  I name this ride 'Mental Madness'.